I feel horrible!!! Yuck!! I feel so terribly guilty – some of which I own (I made mistakes, sinned, fell short, and broke promises), some of which I’m trying not to own (that stuff of which I have no control – other people’s feelings, reactions, expectations).

I’ve had to make some tough, hard decisions lately. But they have been decisions which I believe with all my heart (or 99.8% anyway) that are true and honest. I’m trying to follow God the best I know how – I’ve made the best decision I could based on that desire to follow and be faithful. Unfortunately, those decisions have caused me to let some people down and disappoint them. That hurts. I hate, Hate, HATE disappointing people. I despertaly want everyone to be happy with me and like me and not cause waves.

I’ve caused waves.

I’m going to have to live with this pain, this guilt, this tension for a while. I don’t want to bury it. I want to learn from it, grow from it, move with it – not just through it or around it. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to do that. But I feel that I’m starting to be honest with myself again – something that I haven’t done in quite some time. How can I be honest with others if I’m not being honest with myself?

So, here I am.


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