Feeling the Funk (yet again)

24Aug04

Hum… Not sure why, but last night, and now this morning, I feel…. odd. Out of sorts. Almost exposed. Vulnerable.

Guess it probably has to do with yesterday’s post. Kinda felt like I opened myself up to potential criticism. Not that I’ve received any, mind you, just feels tenuous. Like I really shared my heart and I’m not sure if what I said will be accepted. Guess it may sound silly, but I really struggle with wanting everyone to like me. I HATE conflict and relational tension. And while I continue to believe that VC is moving in the direction of deeper, more focused committment AND broader scope and influence (at the same time) the moving in that direction feels scary and uncertain.

Its kinda like when you paint a room – which we are doing now in the Brownhouse. In order to give the room new life and a new look it has to go through lots of messiness and disorientation. Everything comes out and you find all kinds of stuff that you had no idea was there (old photos, CDs, files, and car-sign magnets). All the other rooms have to “pick up the slack” for the room being painted. Its funky, messy work, but the end result is good, fresh, and new. Of course you don’t have to start over with everything, you still put old furniture back in. Things get reused, but somethings go away.

Anyway, I don’t want to extend the analogy too far, but it does capture a bit of how I feel. I guess it is doubly funky because in some ways there is real possibility (probability probably) that others won’t understand! Sarah and I were reflecting last night on how difficult it is to explain to people what we’re doing, where we’re living, and the like. People (mostly Christians) don’t get how or why we do church the way we do. They don’t understand why I don’t want to get paid to pastor or why we don’t have church staff. They see community living as a nice thing to do for a little while – until you grow-up or something. Alan talks abit about this on his blog today (check it out). I often feel like a “Martian on Earth” too.

A reminder to myself: This funk shall pass, God is faithful.

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