This Post is for Me

13Mar06

It is really. You can read it if you want, but I’m not promising much.

Its been a while since I’ve had a truly introspective blog post. I suppose some think blogging in general is merely mind-numbing nazel-gazing…. well.

Tonight was the “Viewing”. Which meant it was the time for folks to gather in St. E’s and see Chad’s dead body in a casket, looking very non-Chad like and to walk down a line of his family and give them hugs and say things like “how are you holding up?”. Which really… what CAN you say! I’m truly not being cynical… that’s just how it is. We do these things because it is part of our way we do things here in America, but honestly sometimes I wish we could just have a wailing session. Words just can’t do it.

Though Thurman has some really good ones on his blog.

My heart breaks for Renee, Colin and Aidan and for Phil and Gail. We are made for relationships and when a fundamental one is ripped – basically suddenly – from our lives it leaves gapping, bloody, messy holes. It sucks. And I mean that quite literally…. the absence of a husband, father, son leaves a vaccuous hole in their family. A Black Hole.

And honestly, my heart just plain breaks. I feel as though there is something broken inside. A piece of me is askew, different, offset. I wasn’t super tight with Chad, but he was a brother and a friend. A fellow sojourner on this journey from professional, paid ministry to something more organic and diffuse, but nonetheless intentional and purposeful. I honestly feel as if something is different in me… I’m not sure I can put it into words…. its shifty and unformed… but it is there. Like a broken little gear deep in the depths of a vast machine. The machine keeps pumping, churning, grinding on making who-knows-what but deep in its innards a little gear has snapped.

I’m not even sure what to do with it all… certainly nothing “needs doing”, just attending to my own presence and The Presence within. But it does feel odd.

I’ve been reflecting on how Pain, Death, and War always lose you something and win you something. All three of those things are present with us – our community – right now and I have a sense of what we are gaining… but its too early to speak of it. But I think it will be significant.

Lastly, in the midst of the grace that has been bestowed on us during this time of death and grief – and there has been tons and tons of grace showered on us – I feel the too familiar ugliness of sin rearing its deformed head. I feel doubt, self-loathing, pride, insecurities, and longings for signifcance, power, and influence – all things perverted by the sin that taints my heart. I feel those too common opening notes of Sonata of “its all about me” and how many people think I’m cool. To those things I call down the name of One who made himself a servant of All. I speak truth into the darkness and I call out the Light of the Truthbearer.

I’ve heard it said that when a wound heals the scar tissue is stronger than ever before… May it be so.

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